(**This post is
written unabashedly from a Christian, LDS, perspective. I don't know how to authentically
and fully share this post in any other way as so much of what I have found
helpful on this topic is so rooted in True Gospel principles. I hope that whatever
you believe and however you live your life, you find something of value, here. Also - there are NO affiliate links in this
post.**)
I've been
pondering what to write about this topic for several months, now. With only
about 30 seconds of focused effort on the subject, my mind was able to conjure
up at least 9 specific friends who have mentioned feelings of guilt in private,
recent conversations with me. These friends of mine (all women) are wonderful,
good people, who are accomplishing great things in their families and
communities. And yet they are guilt-ridden. They are trying to do their best in
all the areas of life that matter to them, and they feel they come up short
every time. They feel bad for their inadequacies. They criticize what they do
accomplish. Then (and this is the worst part, isn't it?), they know they should be feeling grateful and happy and
that others have it worse off than they do and . . . they feel bad for complaining
and feeling guilty.
It's a vicious
cycle. And I have a massive, undeniable, grotesque hunch weighing me down
(figuratively speaking, for now anyways) that my 9 personal friends aren't the
only ones in the universe who need some loving advice and encouragement in this
area.
Before we tackle
this topic, though, I must mention that there are two kinds of guilt in life: helpful,
God-given guilt and what I like to call stupid guilt. The scriptures back me up,
here:
"For godly sorrow worketh repentance to
salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow
of the world worketh death." (2 Corinthians
7:10)
God-given guilt
(godly sorrow) is a gift from a loving Father in Heaven who wants more than
anything else for us to live with Him again. To live with Him again though, we
must be perfect. ". . . no unclean thing can dwell there, or dwell in his
presence. . ." (Moses 6:57)
God has given us the gift of His guilt so that we will want to repent,
or change, through the grace of His Son, so that we might qualify to live with
Him again. This guilt often starts with a stinging realization of our nothingness,
and our unworthiness. It is sometimes the most painful kind of guilt. The
culmination of this kind of guilt though, should fill us with hope: hope in our
Savior, hope that we can change through Him, and a clear path of action. God's purpose in giving us
guilt is to inspire us to change. He doesn't shock us with guilt just so we will
just sit paralyzed in fear and shame about what we've done and hate everything
about who we are. If your guilt is paralyzing, or leading you to hate yourself,
you can be pretty certain that guilt is inspired of an evil source. This is
stupid guilt.
Stupid guilt
(sorrow of the world) often comes from our own (foolish) expectations. It is inspired
by Old Scratch and his minions. It causes us to feel bad, but doesn't inspire
us with a way to get out of the hole it traps us in. It blinds us to the good
things we are accomplishing with God. It fosters enmity within us for others. Honestly,
it is downright depressing!
Me, myself and
I? We have all had our fair share of stupid
guilt. We have also found out through trial, error and Heavenly guidance, how
to generally eradicate the stuff. ("Enough of the plural third person,
please. It was amusing in the first sentence, but by the second it was getting
old." Ok. Point taken.) I really don't suffer much from stupid guilt. I am
pretty comfortable with who I am, who I am becoming, and I trust the One who is
helping me accomplish all of that. Over the years, He has instructed me how to trust
Him more, and as I have done that, I have found more confidence. Some of the
things I am sharing are broader principles, and some are specific behaviors.
They are all things I have felt were inspired, inspiring, and life-changing for
me in getting rid of stupid guilt. Tune in to the Spirit as you read and see if there
isn't a message here for you.
Use the atonement, not only in dramatic
circumstances, but all the time.
Are we
not all beggars? We are! God gives us every breath we breathe. He gives us
our health, all that we materially possess, and all our skills and talents. We
are indebted to Him for everything we have and are. In the words of Hugh
Nibley, "Work we must, but the lunch is free." The sooner we realize
where our lunch comes from, the less attention we have to focus on working for
a lunch that has already been gifted to us. The grace of Jesus Christ's
atonement not only helps us when we make mistakes, but it
also enables us to accomplish and become so much more than we could with
our natural capacities. We have nothing to prove, no one to compete with - only
one master to serve in love and humility. And in doing so? We will feel His
love more deeply and be blessed even more boundlessly.
In ditching stupid guilt, throw out the
temptation to stop trying.
That will only compound the problem. No offense to you, me and everybody on
this Earth, but you really aren't perfect just the way you are. This is a
pernicious lie from Old Scratch being perpetuated in myriad ways by his
lapdogs, the popular media, meant to sedate you to mediocrity. Everyone has
room for improvement. Of course you should try! That
you always strive is your essential contribution. As you do, just remember
who gives you your lunch.
Pray to see yourself as God sees you. Whenever I feel really down about myself,
I remember the advice my mom gave to me in my struggling teen years, "Pray
to see yourself as God sees you." His perfect love has never failed to
lift my spirits to see the potential I possess, even amidst mistakes and
outright failure. And that really makes His love for us all the more inspiring,
doesn't it?
Less stuff is more freedom. Sometimes people feel like they have too
much on their plate to manage, because they literally have too many plates, and
toys, and clothes, and stuff, and stuff, and stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff! The more things you can get
rid of that you don't absolutely need, the less time and effort you will spend
worrying about things that absolutely don't matter, to impress people who absolutely
don't care. Minimalism is a pretty
awesome movement. It goes beyond getting rid of physical stuff, too. I
recommend you join the party and ditch the stupid guilt you carry because you
simply have too much stuff to manage.
Tune out of social media and generally competitive
people. How many
articles must we read like this,
and this,
and this
before we learn that excessive Pinterest/facebook/pretty much all social media
time, is bad for our mental and emotional health? If you're getting depressed
about your lack of craftiness, rock hard bottom, or perfectly coiffed couch
pillows, maybe an assessment is in order. Track how much time (and energy) you
are devoting to social media. Less just might be the prescription for less
stupid guilt. OR - a change in how you use the sites? Only you can determine
that for yourself. Think about it and proceed with a plan. Online and in
person, there are people who are a drag with their one-upedness. If there is
someone in your life who always has to compete and compare themselves with you,
limit your time with them and your stupid guilt will diminish correspondingly.
Throw out spiritual checklists, and tune
in to the Spirit.
This one is huge. MASSIVE I TELL YOU!!!! Did you hear me shouting, there? Why
is this so big?!?!?! When our spiritual things find their way onto our
checklist of things to accomplish, we have really missed the whole point,
haven't we? The point of reading scriptures every day, praying every day/all
the time, doing FHE once a week, church meetings every Sunday, going to the
temple X number of times a year, doing visiting/home teaching once a month,
feeding the missionaries twice a month, listening to Mormon Tabernacle choir
every morning, doing a secret act of service each day . . . is to come closer
to God. If we are closer to God, we feel more loved, more inspired to do good,
and to be better. When we robotize (is that a word?) or sterilize our
spirituality by trying to spell it out as a specific formula, we shouldn't be
surprised when those things stop being uplifting. I'm not undercutting the
importance of doing those things and if you are successfully managing them, this
is not an encouragement to drop excellent habits. I'm just saying that we have
to always keep in mind the purpose of why
we do those things in our minds. We should be careful to not offer or accept
righteous routines as the actual Gospel principles/truths they espouse - or to
think that a righteous routine in place, excuses us from giving more of
ourselves, or time or talents, when prompted. When we focus on structured religious
behaviors instead of the principles behind them - and the voice of the Spirit
instructing how We might live them - we will discover an abundance of stupid
guilt. So, do the opposite: focus on true principles and how the spirit
instructs you to incorporate righteous habits in your life. It is so much more
effective, and much less guilty-making. I highly recommend John
Pontius' book, Following the Light of Christ Into His Presence, on this
topic.
Speaking of
routines . . . ;)
Keep a simple household routine. I know it is kind of in vogue to brag
about how filthy our houses get as stay-at-home moms these days. We all know
the Law of Entropy is alive and well in all houses - especially those with
toddlers. But, let's talk about how to overcome (or at least manage) that,
shall we? Having a decently tidy space helps keep everyone feeling happier,
less guilt-ridden, and more productive. Here a few things I do each day that
make all the difference in managing my household with three very young children.
I wake up, make my bed and get down on my knees to pray. Then, I throw a load
of laundry into my washing machine and go empty the dishwasher. I fold the load
when it is done (and usually start one more, too). I load dishes at each meal.
I make my kids tidy up their toys/books in the proper places before they go
down for nap/quiet time each day (or else they lose the toys they leave out for
a day). I make sure I have started a load in my dishwasher before my head hits
the bed at night. By doing these things every day, my house stays generally
under control. We don't have to deal with mess crises. Figure out a systematic
routine for managing your household, and your stupid guilt load will come out
clean. I highly recommend Daryl
Hoole's, The Ultimate Career,
on this topic. I recently read it, and got so many amazing ideas for household
management.
Do something that will last, every day. Daryl talks about this in her book, and
I have thought this myself, too. So much of the things we do are never-ending
chores: laundry and dishes, specifically. If we can spend a little time each
day doing something that isn't one of the those never-ending chores it will
help us feel more accomplished. Write a blog post. Sew something. Do some
family history research. Go on a hike. Read a book for 30 minutes. Organize a
closet. You get the idea. Doing this will give you a boost and help reduce
stupid guilt.
Read words of life. What is your favorite scripture? Do you
have a positive mantra you like to say to yourself? Put it up where you can
read it and think of it often. On my microwave, I currently have this scripture
posted:
"Wherefore, ye must press forward
with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love
of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the
word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall
have eternal life."
(2
Nephi 31:20)
Perhaps a
positive phrase or scripture, oft-seen, will help you internalize a more Eternal
perspective, and keep your stupid guilt at bay.
Take accountability with your words. My midwife, Sharon - came to my house at
my 6-week postpartum visit. She made a comment, "Where's the popcorn for
your tree?" I have a naturally-decorated tree. To feel bad about not
having strung popcorn on my tree would be stupid guilt. To apologize for this
would be encouraging stupid guilt. I said something sort of like this, "I
decided not to this year. I have in years past, and I love the way it looks,
but this year our time was more limited with Jocelyn arriving and all. I decided
to snuggle with her instead." Then, I let it go. We only have so much
time. We have to choose our priorities. When we have chosen what is most
important to us, we should own it, and ignore any nagging stupid guilt, to do
otherwise would just be stupid.
Throw out the scale - or weigh yourself
less. Truly make it
about taking care of your body - not a number. If you must weigh yourself, let
it be only once a week. Look to principles of healthy self-care and incorporate
those into your daily living - not as a fad or diet, but as a way of life.
Things like consuming more fruits and vegetables and less processed foods or
soda, and incorporating consistent physical activity into your routine that is
enjoyable to you. As you focus on those sustainable
principles for healthy living, your energy will increase, your muscles with
strengthen, you will feel better in your own skin, and the stupid guilt will
melt away.
Write stuff down. Don't waste time worrying about things
you might forget. Don't waste time feeling guilty about things you forgot. Write it in a journal, or notebook, or sticky notes on the fridge, or in your phone. Whatever. Just write it down.
Watch less TV and spend more time doing
things that will truly enrich your life. If you feel guilty for how much time you watch TV (and yes,
Netflix counts as TV), it is almost certainly for good reason. TV is generally
a waste of precious, God-given time. We all know it. That is why we feel bad
when we sit in a mindless stupor in front of the stupid box, which feeds us
commercials which also contribute to stupid guilt that we don't own stupid
things. Watch less TV and substitute reading of wholesome, uplifting
literature. Substitute focused time spent with your family. Substitute more
time worshipping and serving. More time developing talents. Do this, and your
stupid guilt will diminish.
Recognize the efforts you put forth each
night, and Thank God for His contribution, too. Learn to be content with whatever it was
that you accomplished. Thank God for giving you whatever resources He did to
make that happen: time, health, physical resources, children, skills/talents,
etc.
Spend time with people who love you. Oftentimes, we spend too much time with
those people who are trying to compete with us, and too little time with those
who really love us and make us feel happy to be alive. Spend more time with the
latter. They are the ones who will let you know if the guilt you are feeling is
worthwhile, or if it should be ground up in the garbage disposal. Talk with
them. Spend time with them. Become - with God's grace - the kind of person who
uplifts others and helps them want to be better, too.
Get to bed at a decent time and rise
earlier. I'm a night
owl. Always have been. Still, I know that this advice when followed in my own
life has made all the difference. It seems that stupid guilt often attacks late
at night when we should be sleeping. So, sleep instead. Live more life in the
sun light, and the light of the Son will lift your confidence and energize you
to accomplish more than you ever could without Him.
If you have read
this (Thank you!) and are now feeling guilty because you don't do everything on
this list, I'm here to tell you that that is stupid guilt! You and me?
We're not competing with each other. We're friends. Take what is helpful, throw
out the rest - and as always - let the Spirit be your guide.
Have a Happy New Year, my friends. A
happy, stupid-guilt-free year!!
How do you conquer stupid
guilt in your life? Please, share in the comments section!
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