Monday, May 30, 2011

"Husband Ready" In Under 15 Minutes


I'm a fan of Dr.Laura Schlessinger. One of the best books I read to prepare for marriage was her, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. You can click this link to watch an interview of Dr.Laura, talking about the companion book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage.

Some Many people find Dr.Laura too harsh, which I can completely understand - I've listened to her radio show for over 15 years and I've heard the way she reams some of her callers. But, when it comes to her advice on making a strong marriage, I believe she is spot on. The advice she gives is simple: be your husband's girlfriend. Get your marital flirt on girls!


I'll save my "what feminism ought to be" opinion piece for another day. But what I will say, is while we all like to poke fun at the 50's housewife model of woman: 

 

would it really be so bad if we tried to make our husbands feel loved and appreciated when they came home to us?

My personal opinion: Heck no!

But wait. . . I have a three month old baby, and I'm still trying to find that balance of caring for him, and being able to get showered and dressed for the day - let alone accomplishing all the household chores, and making dinner, and on and on and on. (Not to mention, making a little time for myself in the blogosphere! ;))

So, how can I accomplish this great task? I'll answer my own question: Quickly and efficiently! I had the inspiration to write this post as I was scrambling to make myself look presentable for Squire before he arrived home from work the other day and realized it really didn't take too much time or effort to make a decent "Welcome home!" for my man.

And so I present to you without further ado. . . (*drums rolling*)

How you get yourself "Husband Ready" in under 15 minutes:

1. Plug in your hair straightener. (5 seconds)


2.  Wash your face. Am I the only one who finds face washing pictures hilarious and awkward? (55 seconds)
3. Change all articles of clothing that have baby poop, pee, spit up, or drool on them. Or, get dressed if you are still wearing your pajamas. ;) (2 minutes)
4. Put on deodorant and his favorite perfume. (30 seconds)
5. Smooth your hair with your straightener. If your do doesn't look good after the straightening, bobby pin, clip, ponytail it - do what you need to make it look styled. I recommend youtube-ing "hairstyles in 5 minutes" to get some ideas if you don't have some already. (5 minutes)
6. Brush your tongue and teeth. (Unplug the straightener while you brush.) (1 minute)
7. (Optional) Put in your contacts if you wear glasses. (30 seconds)
8. Do your make-up - but quickly! At a minimum, put some bronzer or blush on your cheekbones, some mascara on your lashes, and some lip gloss/moisturizer on your lips. (3-5 minutes)
 9. (Optional) Throw in a load of laundry and/or straighten up the house with the time you have before he arrives.
10. Greet him at the door with a long hug, a big kiss, and a kind word for whatever he did for your family that day!
 And of course, you could always do more than this too. (You know, like be showered, have a warm meal and/or treat ready, have a clean house, and content children. . . ) This blog has some nice tips on how to accomplish that kind of thing. Because, it's always a bit of a rush to have prepared an extra special welcome home for the hubby.

But, I think you'd be surprised what just 15 minutes of your time and extra effort can do to make your husband feel loved by you. And this is doable - even on the craziest of days.

*Update: Here are two more posts that were written in response to all the craziness in the comments sections. One by my husband, about how to be "Wife-ready" and another by me on my views about my brand of feminism: I am NOT a Victim. Cheers! 

79 comments:

  1. I remember the first time I had dinner ready for my husband when he got home. He loved not waiting and it gave both of us time to relax in each others' company. So nice

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  2. I love acting frazzled on the phone as Squire's on his way home, but then greeting him at the doorstep of his clean house, and looking great with dinner on the table! Gets him every time! It's definitely more difficult to do with a little baby now, but I'm working back up to it. :)

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  3. @ Amber: Squire just told me that by writing "Dead serious." I might have come off stronger than I meant to - like I was offended by what you said or something. So, I'm just letting you know, in a lighter tone: Yes, this really was a serious post. :)

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  4. No problem. I didn't mean for me to come off rude either, I just thought that this was a joke, like the stepford wives, and wasn't sure if you were being sarcastic or not.

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  5. Hahaha! I'll clean up the house before Steve gets home but wait til you have 2 or more kids.
    Twice the mess, twice the destruction that sweeps through immediately after you finish cleaning the mess, twice the pleas (crys, screams, etc.) for this or that as you are frantically trying to make dinner, put on a dab of makeup, and make sure that the kids don't tear apart your just cleaned house all at the same time.
    I don't doubt that you can do it Jami, but the average woman...well, I'm just saying. :)

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  6. @ Amy: Oh my! I can only imagine. . . Haha! :)

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  7. you have inspired me yet again!

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  8. As a Mormon, I find this blog-post extraordinarily embarrassing.

    Gentle readers, please do not imagine that all Mormon women are so lacking in human skills that we need to play house-help or call-girl to enjoy our marriages.

    This creature is an outlier and the brighter gals pray for her.

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    1. Kuato - I'm sorry that a fellow Mormon would use such indecent and inflametory language as "creature" to describe her sister in the gospel! I hope my fellow Mormons - feminists or not - would have the tact to stop themselves! What is embarassing or shameful about what I have written above? Use your words and thoughts. Not ad hominem attacks, please.

      Delete
    2. @KUATO

      As a woman in a healthy and happy marriage I don't find this embarrassing at all. Granted I don't do most of it, but I'd like to. I love it when my husband doesn't look like a bum so I try to do the same. I don't like living in a messy home so even though it gets messed up again I clean it anyway.

      It takes a great deal of "human skills" to do what is listed in this article. It's respecting yourself enough to put your best foot (or face) forward. Respecting your spouse enough to recognize they've been out all day working for YOU, the least you can do is show you've put effort into your day as well. Its a quick easy way to show your spouse you haven't given up on the romance or physical attraction in your relationship.

      "This creature" is fabulous, far from an outlier, and seems much more pleasant than a condescending troll. Cheers.

      Delete
  9. Hmmm. A few thoughts. As a woman who has been married for over 20 years, your post sounds very naive and sweet. I would certainly not question your devotion to your husband or your marriage. Obviously you are trying to keep that spark going. You are still in that early stage of marriage. As an older woman, I suggest you consider a few cautions:
    1) marriage is a two way street. What's your husband doing to keep you going? I would hope it's both ways.
    2) you really can't control everything in life. You can do all the things you are doing and your husband could still not appreciate you, have a wandering eye, Heaven forbid cheat on you, or just be in a bad mood and treat you poorly. And it could not be your fault.
    3) allow yourself some imperfection. You married an imperfect man. He married an imperfect woman. He's allowed to see you vomiting or covered in baby poop from time to time.

    Husbands and wives have to be best friends, not boyfriend/girlfriend, to make it through the long haul. Best wishes to you!

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    1. Hakwgrrrl -

      I appreciate your cautions. Sweet I will take. Naive? Maybe. We'll see about that in 16 years when I've been married as long as you have! But creature I will not. (See Kuato's comment above.)

      First off, let me tell you that this was a sincere but definitely one of my more silly posts. Made by a woman who was tired, smelly, and a little crazy from caring for a newborn child and who was oft covered in baby poop and spit up! I shared this post over a year ago on my blog because in making the extra effort in one very simple and time efficient way to welcome my husband home that day, I was reminded of something I believe as a greater principle in marriage - that we should find thoughtful ways to give to our spouses. It is important to show through action and word that we care, and this was just one 15 min. application of that principle in my marriage that I know my husband particularly appreciates. I'm pretty sure most men feel the same way.

      As you said with caution #2, no - I can't control everything in life. I can't control my husband and what he does. But I would add that I CAN control my own actions and the environment of my home by how pleasant I make it. I can control how I treat others, including my spouse. I can control how I spend my time. It is of great benefit to myself to be dressed and clean each day (as being smelly and wearing jammies all day doesn't make anybody feel better) and to my family, for obvious reasons. But more than that, I don't feel any harm comes from choosing to serve others. I feel service should never be given with an expectation of an equal service in return. In fact, I truly believe we become better softer people when we learn to give of ourselves, even when we don't feel in the mood – heck, especially when we don't feel in the mood!

      My main concern with your comment is that you are suggesting things about my marriage and my husband that you know nothing about. You came here to comment, I suspect, as an acquaintance of mine probably made a stink about my blog post up on the Feminist Mormon Housewives private facebook group. Am I right? I don't know for sure - I'm not a member of the group. But I’m going to assume you’ve never read my blog before. I pretty sure I’ve never met you in person. If this is the only post you have read by me, and you have never met me or my husband, I can see how a feminist mind would go wild with my suggestion to clean up a bit before the hubby gets home. It's just so old-fashioned and 50's-ish. Definitely not something they teach in a Women's Studies class.

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    2. But either way, you assumed with caution #1 that my husband might not also be as selfless as I am with my occasional 15 minute refresh routine. Just today, he did several loads of dishes, he volunteered his valuable study time (he is currently in medical school and has a test coming up soon) to care for our son so I could nap as I've been a bit of an insomniac as a pregnant woman lately. He cuddled with me this morning and he told me I was beautiful and that he loved me and meant it, (despite my puffy plain morning face.) Over the weekend he just finished making a toddler bed for our son – which I asked him to do - and he graciously did in his limited free time. He is currently encouraging me and supporting me in my dream to become a Hypnobabies instructor. He listens and engages me in conversations about topics I am interested in, and he is not (and visa versa!) He is a warm and loving husband. He brushes his teeth so I don’t have to kiss him with morning breath. He puts on deodorant and aftershave because he knows I like it. I never have to ask him to take out the trash, or weed our front or back yards. He really treats me well all the time. But I notice the surprise and tender look wash over his face when I've gone the extra mile for him, not expecting anything in return, and the tenderness and appreciation I can see evident in his eyes is glorious for us both! And all it takes is 15 minutes of my time and effort!

      And thirdly, you have no idea how much imperfection I “allow” myself. I am currently wearing the same jammies I woke up in and wore the entire day. (It was a particularly rough day for me in the pregnancy department.) I am not clean and perfect every day, dinner is rarely on time, and I am not always sweet. But I want to be. I feel pleased with myself, my husband feels more loved, and I feel that God is pleased when I strive to be a little better for Him and for my family each day. I fall short all the time, but I know the trying is what counts. As long as I’m trying and progressing and learning, I don’t beat myself up about falling short either. This post was about giving 15 minutes of effort in one simple way for my husband each day. I don’t think my suggestion to attempt to spruce up - in 15 minutes - before the hubby gets home, warrants caution.


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    3. Jami - no offense intended. I did take your advice and looked through other posts you made. One quality of yours that is very admirable is how much personal ownership you take for all your choices. In reality, that's the heart of feminism. That's a quality that will serve you well throughout your life, and it is doubtless why so many enjoy following your writing.

      This particular post when taken out of context doesn't really do credit to your whole story, so I'm glad I went back through and read more.

      Peace out. Sounds like you're on a good track!

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    4. Hawkgggrl- Thank you for taking the time to read more of more story. I appreciate that.

      Delete
  10. love that hawkgrrrl. It's true. I've been married almost 10 years, with multiple kids and knowing that even covered in spit up, unshowered and frustrated, he loves me.. there's something so much better about that than we were boyfriend/girlfriend.

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    1. Who's saying my husband doesn't love me even covered in spit up, unshowered and frustrated? The fact that my husband feels extra loved and happy when I do something extra for him before he comes home, does not mean he doesn't love me when I don't. It just means that I was being thoughtful - and I don't smell.

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  11. I've been married for 30 years, and such energy & desire have to be surrendered to the children & other matters. Putting on deodorant sounds good, but it tends to make things worse if really need to shower. On that subject, my wife used to like to relax in a bath, but that went away with our second child, showers are much faster.

    Odds are with a husband in Med school you will need to go to work soon. And, don't be afraid to delegate some housework to him. I've done tons of laundry over the 30 years, even when working full time.

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    1. I don't ever feel the need to use the words afriad or delegate when talking about my relationship with my husband. We are an equal team and we both help each other. I do not need to go to work outside my home. We both love having me be the main caretaker of our children and we don't see that changing any time soon. I agree about the deodarant thing, though. Showers are glorious.

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  12. Exactly hawkgrrrl-What I love about marriage is the idea that 2 people can be completely themselves and love each other through the thick and the thin of life. The ideas in this post reflect a certain 1950s reality that would come off as shallow to my husband. The notion that a wife needs to look a certain way to be appealing to her man is really a reflection of consumerism at it's best. Yes, greet your husband in a loving way as well as he should greet you in a loving way. Do things for each other out of love. Go on dates. But become June Cleaver, why?
    Dr. Laura's book has a few good points about showing love to men but as usual, she blames problems in marriage on feminism and categorically paints everyone's marriages with a broad stroke. Her ideas are great for selling books but do not reflect anything other than simplistic ideas that honestly didn't work for many, many people even when her recommendations were more typically followed.

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    1. Julie - Are you not categorically painting me and my marriage with your comment and careless read of one blog post of hundreds I have written?

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  13. Jamie,

    I understand that my language was inflammatory, but there was a bit of the incredulous to contend with here.

    I don't believe you are real, because I don't know **anyone** as proudly, profoundly stupid as you are.

    That's all.

    I would wish you'd stop such a blog as it does detriment to young girls who might think you are serious, those who are looking at our religion and might think that by joining, they too would become bubble-headed nitwits, and it would bring down all efforts that women have made in our church to be recognized and given the same authority as our male counterparts.

    Why would anyone ask your air-filled head to do anything at all, let alone make an important or delicate decision? You apparently can't imagine how to approach your own husband without playing dress up. You just set back women from trusted authority positions by another twenty years, which is really and truly tragic because I'm tired of my 17 year old daughter being given chastity interviews by a bishop. That should be done by a trusted RS president.

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    1. Kuato, my dear -

      You are the poster child for why Feminism gets a bad rap! I didn't take down all the power you've been plotting to stash away for yourself and other domineering women as yourself with one silly blog post! I couldn't say anything that could be as harmful to your cause as your contentious and nasty manner does to stop you from making headway. Didn't anyone ever tell you that you catch more bees with honey than vinegar? Take a chill pill. Quit trollin'. Get a life. It'll lower your blood pressure I'm sure.

      Jami - no "e" next time please. That's how my momma named me and I like it that way.

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    2. Nowhere in this entire post does it say anything about the author being a Mormon.

      For someone claiming to be somewhat feminist you're putting a lot of effort into being disproportionately critical of a fellow woman.

      You sound like a grumpy miserable woman to have such an incredibly hostile reaction to his post.

      -Sarah

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  14. On the off-chance that there is anything authentic about you, I would like to hang a sign on your blog to this effect:

    THIS PERSON DOES NOT REPRESENT THE THOUGHT CAPACITY OF AN AVERAGE MORMON WOMAN.

    HER LACK OF QUALITATIVE ANALYSIS IS UNUSUAL.

    THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER DAY SAINTS PRODUCES MANY BRIGHT, SOPHISTICATED WOMEN.

    THE CHURCH RECOGNIZES THAT WOMEN ARE NOT CHATTEL, NOT MERE SEX-TOYS AND HOUSE-CLEANERS, AND ARE NOT IN EXISTENCE ONLY TO PLEASE MEN OR PRODUCE CHILDREN BUT THAT WE ARE ALL CHILDREN OF GOD AND MEANT TO SERVE EACH OTHER.

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    1. Kuato, you're completely out of line. If you have something to disagree with, do so intelligently, not by attacking Jami personally.

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    2. Amen to that Amber Whiteley. I'm more appalled by a Mormon being so mean-spirited and leaving so many nasty comments than I am by the suggestion to put on some makeup once in a while.

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    3. Kuato, I know Jami personally and she is none of the negative things you have assumed her to be. She is well-educated, thoughtful, creative, intelligent, considerate, and inspirational (to name a few). It's quite shocking that a fellow member of Christ's church would be so comfortable publicly judging and berating another in this way.

      Taking 15 minutes (roughly 1/64) out of your day to do something that you know makes your husband feel loved does not seem like a hindrance to feminism to me. Jami spends the other 63/64 of her day being Superwoman.

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    4. Anonymous - You are too kind!

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  15. ... and yes, the next time that a bishop counsels a woman to stay with her abusive husband, or counsels a woman to just "put-out" because he doesn't want the husband to be "driven to pornography", or pressures a woman to give up her notions of education so that she can put her less-erudite husband through school instead so that she experiences maximum personal risk if things don't work out, I will remember this post of yours and realize that if bishops see a thing like this...

    they have a basis for their thinking.

    Some Mormon women are not existent in their own minds.

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    1. KUATO enough! You are being ridiculous! You OBVIOUSLY have some very serious personal issues but this is not the forum to air them out. If you don't like this blog please don't leave nasty comments for the rest of us to read. It's unfortunate that your marriage appears to have been so abusive and awful but that doesn't mean the experience has been the same for the rest of the world.

      I know for a fact that bishops help women out of abusive marriages (that happened to a friend of mine in Eugene, OR). Bishops also don't tell women to "put-out" and if one did then that was that man speaking, not the calling.

      Unfortunately any chance you had of making a valid point was blown out of the water by your increasingly irrational rants.

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  16. Jami,

    As someone who knows and respects you personally, I just wanted to voice my appreciation for your standing tall for "old-fashioned values." I know that this post represents one example of dozens of ways you show your affection for Squire.

    I am grateful for this post as a reminder to look for ways that I can show my spouse I love him. Since I am currently pursuing my PhD while my husband works, I come home to him professional-looking but overwhelmed and frazzled. I appreciate your example of taking 15 minutes a day to make an extra effort to show love, and I'm thinking this week about what I could do that would be similar.

    Thank you for your earnestness.

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    1. Thank you, Jaime for your sweet comment. I really appreciate it. You were a wonderful visiting teacher you know that? I still think about so many of the acts of kindness you showed me that year. I hope your PhD studies are going well. :) You are awesome.

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  17. The main problem here is the assumption that looking pretty has some sort of inherent meaning or value, which you imply when you say that just looking pretty for your husband is an act of service for him. It isn't a bad thing to try to look pretty, but it is harmful to send the message that looking pretty in some way adds to your value as a person, or to the value of some situation. That's all. Sorry for the attacks, Jami. It seems like you have a very happy relationship with your husband and that you love eachother very much. Again, it's just the general message you are sending that a lot of us have problems with.

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    1. Showing your spouse you love them in a way that speaks to their personal love language does add value to both the giver and reciever's lives. Simple as that.

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  18. Jami,

    As a reader that knows you personally I just wanted to give my opinion. I am a single adult woman in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I respect you and look up to you. You are an intelligent and devoted woman, wife, mother, and member of the gospel. This "silly" blog post was entertaining, but also completely appropriate.

    You and your husband have a beautiful, eternall relationship. You are a wonderful mother and will continue to be so. Please remember that our Heavenly Father love each of us, even those who are unjustly attacking you. Our Father appreciates you efforts and devotion.

    I love you Jami!

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    1. Lexi - Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I'm still floating high on your compliments here. And thank you for the reminder that God does love us all. We should never forget that.

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  19. Kuato,
    I would like to inform you that Jami is, in fact, a bright sophisticated woman. I may not know her well but I was her roomate for a semester. She speaks German fluently, has completed her degree and constantly strives to better herself. She is a very kind person who has a great relationship with her husband. She may not have 20 years of marriage under her belt but by the effort she is putting into her marriage it will likely last a lifetime.

    She isn't saying that she always has to look like she came from a magazine. She is just suggesting that by spending 15 minutes putting herself together makes her feel better and it also noticed and appreciated by her husband. To make marriage last you must be best friends and respect each other. Trust me, Squire would still be madly in love her if she were 300lbs, bald and bedbound. She is just trying to keep the spark alive, her husband does the same. If we all put as much effort and respect into our marriages maybe the divorce rate wouldn't be greater than 50%.

    So please, don't leave rude comments about someone you don't know. I myself am not LDS, but I do know a lot of brilliant LDS women, some of which stay at home, some have a career, regardless the ones who have happy marriages go the extra mile to show their spouses how much they care.

    -Kristina P.

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    1. Addendum: sorry for the errors in the post (spelling & incomplete sentences, missing words) it's difficult to navigate this page on a phone and go back to fix errors on such a small screen, but I'm sure you all get gist of what I'm trying to say.

      -Kristina P.

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    2. Kristina - I hope life is treating you so well! I appreciate your witness to me not being a nitwit. ;) Amen to the divorce rate going down if we all just did a little bit more. That is why too many fail, I believe!

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  20. Kristina P.

    If there is any way to bury this bunch of baloney, I hope it happens.

    It is apparent to me that those who know this writer believe she is in fact a real person, she is sincere and that in fact her relationship with her husband IS better than she described it. Of course, that is good.

    Jamie, I hope you re-think such posts as this in the future, because we all pay-- my daughter pays-- when this kind of material are read by our leaders or worse, her prospective spouse. Praising this post is like writing a letter of gratitude to those who think that girls should be put into finishing schools rather than math courses. Affection is the stuff of life, but hardly our primary gear in dealing with life. This post made us look utterly incapable of higher thought and that isn't good for any of us.

    What annoys me is that this phenomenon should have been easily foreseeable by the author.

    Best wishes,

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    1. The post suggests ways to quickly not look dumpy. Just because a person looks good doesn't mean she isn't both well educated and intelligent. I find that way of thinking to be more damaging, the idea of "you can be smart and respected or you can be pretty. You cannot be both." THAT is a horrible lesson to teach your daughter.

      Jessica L.

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  21. Sometimes people are so eager to get their point of view across that they can't take the time or effort to understand someone else's.
    Jami wasn't saying that she is only a good wife when she's dolled up. She was saying that once in a while it's a nice thing to do for her husband. I agree. I like it when my husband looks nice, too. And, I think it's nice when I dress up for him. After all, I'm the only one he gets to kiss for the rest of his life. It's just a nice, simple act (for times when it's possible! Often, I can't.) to do for him.
    Even though I know kuato means well, it's hard to take her seriously because she said such inappropraite and terrible things about a lovely person that she does not even know! It's sad that this is how she chooses to represent the church.

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    1. Great point, Amanda. We could all stand to be better listeners first, and talkers second. Myself, totally included!

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  22. Think of it as Service.

    Remember how you should think of your spouses needs before your own!

    Jami is simply thinking of the best way to serve Squire in such a simple way. Why is this kind of service being so looked down upon?

    @KUATO - This Sunday Elder Holland spoke about the importance of always upholding church standards, and I believe that even blog posts need to be Kind and Courteous. I wish that you could see what you are doing and how hurtful everything you have said is. You are given the right to free speech, but please do it remembering that you are speaking about a daughter of God.

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    1. It is service! If some of these ladies had attended my marriage and family prep class, I think they might have had heart attacks. Haha. ;) I haven't heard Elder Holland's talk yet. I'll have to find it and have a listen. Thanks for your support, Braun!

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  23. I respect and know Jaime and I don't appreciate the negative comments against her. This reminded me of the talk by Pres. Uchtdorf "The Merciful Obtain Mercy" where he uses a simple 2 word phrase to convey a very strong message: STOP IT!

    To Kuato and the others who have used inflammatory comments against Jaime's character by calling her "stupid" and the like- STOP IT!

    To the women offering their "sage" advice "wait until you have 2 kids" or "just wait until you've been married x more years"- STOP IT!

    To those attacking Jaime's marriage and her beliefs- STOP IT!

    Women need to stand behind each other and support one another- not tear each other down. I'm sorry that many of you have a confused idea of what feminism is and how that ties in to being a "feminist". When I listened to Ann Romney's speech at the RNC- I found her to be so empowering, yet I know many will call her the anti-feminist because she praised her husband and role as a mother. We need to STOP IT, now.

    And if you'd like to continue to bash her and her friend's POV on her FAMILY blog post- STOP IT and take it elsewhere.

    JAIME- I consider you to be a feminist. You believe in empowering women to be the very best they can be, to strengthen their marriage through daily kindness, to care for their family the best way they know how, and most importantly- to have a very distinct and clear voice full of opinions and ideas about how to be a woman. And as far as being called a "creature" goes: You are not a quiet little church mouse that has to answer to your husband for everything or that scurries about trying to be unnoticed- you are a BEAST and I'd take being that creature any day!

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    1. Haha! Lesly, I never thought being called a Beast could be so rewarding. Seriously made my day. Thank you for your indredible compliment! And you are right - the trolls need to stop trollin'!

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    2. Lesly, I love, love, love this comment and agree about it all. Thank you for being so uplifting and inspiring!
      Jami, just seeing how many people have come to your defense is evidence of the kind of person you are. I wish we could all just be a little kinder in understanding each other's opinions and the experiences that motivate them. Love you! :)

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    3. Thank you, Kristy!! I love you, too. And I hope your birthday was fabulous. :)

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  24. Hi Jami -
    I have followed your blog now for a while. I have to say that I am quite shocked at the turn of events on the comments here for this post. Personally I am sadden by the attack that the comments have become. Although I was not part of any of it, I do wish to tell you how sorry I am for the negativity and hatred that is shown.

    I have been married for 12 years and have 5 children. I have a strong marriage that is based strongly on open communication. I know that my husband cannot speak for all husbands out there but there is great truth in what you have written in this post.

    I know that I cannot accomplish this "routine" every single day - it just isn't possible, but I try. My husband does not expect it of me, but I do know that he is appreciative when I do put forth the effort. Yes, I do know that he loves me regardless, but I have come realize that there are many great secrets to a happy marriage.

    As I have worked on this a great deal, I found it summed up very nicely by Author Karen Kingsbury. Here is it listed out in 10 simple steps.
    1. God has you here to serve one another. Love is acted out in serving.
    2. Women need respect and nurturing. Love your wife so she knows you’d lay your life down for her. Continue to date her and admire her. Share a hobby – find something you can do to have fun together.
    3. Laugh Often!
    4. Be Patient. Love crumbles quickly under the weight of unmet expectations!
    5. Spend more time trying to fix yourself than your spouse.
    6. Keep short accounts. The Bible says, “Do not let the sun go down while you are angry.” Make it a habit to forgive!
    7. Determine up front that divorce is NOT an option.
    8. Learn about love languages. Not all people show love or receive it the same way. You want a back rub and your spouse wants a clean kitchen. The love languages are fairly simple: acts of service, time, physical touch, gifts, and words of affirmation. Learn them! Love is better received when it’s in the language that person speaks.
    9. Words of affirmation are a love language for all men.
    10. Men are born to be leaders. He cannot lead unless she gives him the confidence to do so. If you love your husband, build him up. Confident men do not seek love outside the home.

    Now I realize that love is a two way street, but it is also a choice. It is always a choice. Is it really worth to effort to "duke it out" here on a blog post? No, I don't think so. There is also the Golden Rule to consider here. First in how we answer and treat others in our comments. But second is the point I think you were making with this post. What effort do we want our husbands to make on our behalf? Are we willing to do the same for them?

    I wholeheartedly support your post and would hope and pray that readers would see it for the simplicity that it is...a way to remind us that we need to think about our relationships and make a choice to act out our love in every way possible - in the little things.

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    1. Trish - Awesome advice. I love to be reminded of ways I can strengthen my marriage. You are an inspiration. We miss you not being in or ward anymore. I hope life is treating you well! Love, Jami

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  25. Wow. Im so sorry Jaime that your blog has become the seedbed for someone's misguided anger and personal issues that should have been resolved through the correct channels before coming on your blog and attacking everyone else. Talk about a "beam." Let us all come away from this and look at the motes in our lives before we criticize others with baseless comments.

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  26. Sorry for not capitalizing your name, its too hard on a I-Pod,

    I completely understand where jami is coming from. She had a newborn child. She was probably like me and could hardly find time to take a shower and get ready. I have a three and a half month old. For her first month of life... I had no life. I could barely find time for a fifteen minute shower, let alone fifteen minutes for hair and makeup. Let me tell you though, those fifteen minute showers and fifteen minutes to look descent were definitely worth it. I lived in my pajamas for about a month but it was nice to get back to life and wear clothes. My husband saw me at my worst, but he saw my efforts to get ready and he always complimented me. Plus I learned to get ready even faster with a new baby, which I am sure many of us accomplished as well. That in itself is something to be proud of.
    There is absolutely nothing wrong with spending time to get ready, especially for our husbands who do so much for us. This is coming from a girl who hardly ever wears make up and is still learning how to do it!! Hahaha. I think that becoming a mom made me realize the importance of trying my hardest to look nice. It was so easy when I was single and no children, and now I just have complete respect for those of us who are able to accomplish it. For those of us who don't think it is important I can also understand. It is hard. I don't get ready ever day like that, I am just not that type of person. I do know that when I put make up on though I feel nice and my husband always recognizes my efforts and I can tell he appreciates it. Looking a little nicer is not bad, ad being in pajamas is not bad, it is just who I am, and who you are. Our husbands love us both ways! Which makes it all great!

    That is the key, the golden ticket, the reason I even do it!! MY HUSBAND APPRECIATES MY EFFORT. Simple as that. I love my husband, he loves me. He does more for me that I could ever comprehend and the LEAST I can do is look nice. Trust me, it does not happen every day, but I try Atleast once a week. :)

    One more thing, and this is going to be long!!! Growing up with a mother who worked full time, I didn't really have a mom I could talk to about boys, or get me ready for dances, or teach me to cook. So when I got older I promised myself I would marry a man who supported me being home and would do all that he could to keep me home. This was a personal decision I made because I did not have it. I do appreciate my mom. She worked hard, and so did my dad. I wonder every day if she worked because she had to or because she wanted to, but that was her personal choice and I respect it. Let me tell you though, I have a minimal relationship with her, if I need something I call my daddy because he was home during the day time and he raised me.

    With that said, I have lived both sides. My mom worked. My dad cooked and cleaned most days. I appreciate them both, but I chose what I thought would be most important to my children. That was to have a stay at home mom, something I did not have. I also saw the hard work my dad did every single day to make the house clean, to have dinner on the table ( which mom helped with), to work, and to raise me. Both of their examples helped me see the importance of being home.

    Man it is a hard job. The hardest job anyone can have. Thanks goes to my mom for balancing both and to my dad, but I chose to balance the most important one to me, and that is raising my daughter.

    So any feminists out there, you will NEVER convince me that having a full time-working- outside- the-home-mother is not a bad thing. I lived through it! I went through all that and I believe with all my heart that it has put a dent in my relationship with my mom. It does not get any more real and personal than this.

    Nice work jami. You are doing a great job. Making our husbands happy is an important lesson to learn and I think you are ahead of the gang by learning it now.

    Heather

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    1. Heather - Amen! My brother is lucky to have a woman so dedicated to making the best choices for her family! Thank you for sharing your personal experiences, too. Babies, kids, teens, and even adults all need their moms!

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  27. As I read through Jami's post, and through the comments, I was reminded of a talk given by Gorden B. Hinkley, the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints, a few years ago. Here is one paragraph from that talk:

    "After dealing with hundreds of divorce situations through the years, I am satisfied that the application of a single practice would do more than all else to solve this grievous problem. If every husband and every wife would constantly do whatever might be possible to ensure the comfort and happiness of his or her companion, there would be very little, if any, divorce. Argument would never be heard. Accusations would never be leveled. Angry explosions would not occur. Rather, love and concern would replace abuse and meanness.

    There was a popular song we sang many years ago, the lyrics of which said:
    I want to be happy,
    But I won’t be happy
    Till I make you happy, too.
    (Irving Caesar, “I Want to Be Happy” [1924])"

    Here is the link to the entire article:
    http://www.lds.org/liahona/2004/11/the-women-in-our-lives?lang=eng

    Somewhere along the lines I think feminism has gone from "A collection of movements and ideologies aimed at defining, establishing, and defending EQUAL political, economic, and social rights for women" to making sure we "put men in their place". Just because we do something nice for our husbands, does not make us any less their equal. They are our best friends, our soul mates. I find it sad that in todays society, if we were to do something nice to make our best girlfriends day a bit easier, it is such a great service. But if we try and do something nice for our husbands, to make their day a little bit easier, or nicer, (like making sure they are coming home to a nice home) we are no longer STRONG women. I absolutely think we should do whatever we can to make our husbands happy. In my case, I care about sports for him. Like seriously care. I know players names, their statistics, who is playing who. I cheer. I hoot and holler. I do it because my husband loves sports, and I want to be a part of the things he loves. And as a result he does things I love, and I think we are a stronger happier couple as a result.
    I think Jami was simply giving some SUGGESTIONS on how to spend a FEW minutes a day, to try and make our husbands a day a bit nicer.
    -Sara

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    1. Beautifully spoken. Thanks for commenting, Sara. I love that quote from President Hinckley. He had such a fantastic marriage, too. I want my marriage to be like his was.

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  28. Kuato: I'm really confused by your comments. How does being married with children and being a stay at home mom equate to "Playing House"? That is reality. It's the back breaking grunt work of being the director of a family 24 hours a day. Being a stay at home mom is different work then being a CEO of a fortune 500 company, and it's different then being a janitor of an elementary. We are all doing our part in society. Who's to say one job makes a person lower class then another. (By your comments, you are) How is putting lipstick on turn someone into a "Call-girl"? It's quite the extreme. How does choosing to stay home to raise the future generations and with the extra 15 minutes of a day try to look presentable make someone stupid? You are directing your comments specifically to this blogger but in reality you are addressing all Wives. Ones who stay home or not. You are making the assumption that by looking good for our husbands some how means we are not Woman enough to stand up for our selves if they do wrong by us. You are assuming that by trying to make our husbands happy we are some how loosing brain cells, because we don't have the capacity to do that and at the same time read a book, watch an inspiring documentary, or take an online course. Being a feminine women doesn't equate to being barbie. It equates to being everything women are meant to be, beautiful. Beauty to me means to be smart, eloquent, put together, and respectful to all people. I know my comments won't do anything for you but I hope you can see that perhaps there are different view points to be had and that perhaps a little respect going both ways is more appropriate.

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    1. Love how you said all this, Amanda. You my friend, are one beautiful woman!

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  29. Hey everyone, I just posted my response to Jami's post here: http://www.howdyhepworths.blogspot.com/2012/09/how-to-get-wife-ready-on-your-way-home.html

    I thought it was only fair that if Jami was spending all this time getting ready for me, I should at least spend an equal amount of time doing something nice for her.

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  30. Where did you find that picture of KUATO for your post Squire?

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    1. There is no justice in stooping to kuato's level and attacking them personally, as they attacked jami personally.

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  31. Jami, I think you are awesome and a great example in so many ways! Ignore the complete and utter rudeness that is pouring out on you. If all women tried as hard as you did, in all you do, to have a good marriage, maybe our divorce rate wouldn't be so high. Keep voicing your opinion and ignore the cruel women who obviously have no respect for other women or they would not be so unkind.

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    1. Thanks for the encouragement and kind words, Sarah!

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  32. Jami, there are so many comments on here I probably don't need to add my two cents, but I'm going to anyway. :)

    I'm very saddened by all the rude comments you have received; why does our society feel the need to berate everyone who has a different opinion than they? I would hope that we would be able to express our opinions in a more cordial manner.

    As a stay-at-home mom of three ages 5 and under, I know how crazy life with kids can be! I have an enormously wonderful husband who works a very demanding job to support his family, and still comes home and does the laundry, washes dishes, helps clean up the house, and puts the kids to bed! He is the ultimate example to me of serving your spouse in a marriage. He knows I get so tired from maintining sanity all day long and is willing to give so much of himself to help make my life easier. He is the epitome of selflessness.

    All that my husband does for me does not make him any less of a "man" just as when I make an effort to do things for him does not make me any less of a "woman". We work as equals in our marriage, both doing everything we can to make our marriage and our family the best it can be.

    I myself am LDS (Mormon) and I would hope anyone reading these comments will not take the picture Kuato has painted of Mormonism as how it really is. She has made us out to be cruel and crude, when in reality the church is loving, kind, and very supporting of a woman's rights to happiness and free will. In no circumstance would our bishops be directed to counsel a woman as Kauto has suggested they do.

    We all have our own views and opinions, and we all express them, hopefully in a more kind way than has been demonstrated here.

    Lasty, I just want to say to you, Jami, how impressed I am at your character! You have taken all this negativity in stride and not once did I read a rude retaliation or comeback from you! I admire your desire to give of yourself to your husband and your willingness to speak out for a set of values that is unfortunately becoming unpopular in our society today. I wish you all the best in your roles as a mom, wife, and blogger!

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    1. IggyMama - I appreciate your kind comment. You seem to be a natural peacemaker. You probably have to be with three kids under 5! I love most that you said we are not less of a man or woman when serve our spouse. That is so true. Thanks for the well wishes - I wish you all the best, too.

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  33. Jami,

    Mr. Mike G here. Steph said you had a fun post with colorful comments. What a treat, indeed!

    For all the woman out there who struggle with their identity, I myself like to get "wife presentable" for my Stephanie every once in a while to keep things romantic and fun. In fact, I actually shower once in a while just to mix things up. Crazy I know...so, emasculating.

    One thing (of many, I am sure) I have learned in life in all my many many many years of marriage is it takes 2 to make it work and it takes effort to keep it going. Looking good for each other is just one of those ways...wouldn't it be sad to have little physical attraction to the person you want to spend forever with????

    @KUATO: Your comments are from a person, who in 20 years, will no longer be married and no longer practicing your proclaimed faith. I really hope you were just caught on a bad day.

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    1. Mike - You are one bold and sassy man. Haha! I hope Kuato was just having a bad day too. Let's give her that benefit of the doubt.

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  34. Wow, so much hate. No wonder so many marriages end in divorce! Putting on make up for your husband doesn't imply that you are unattractive without it, it just lets him know that you wanted to make the effort to look put together for him. That's really what it's all about, the effort. My husband (and it sounds like yours too) thinks I'm beautiful and sexy no matter how horrible I think I look, and I think the same of him, but it's nice to go the extra mile. Whenever my husband does the dishes (as though that isn't hot enough) he takes off his shirt, just for me, because he knows the shirtless jeans look makes me wild. We call each other "trophy husband" and "trophy wife" and blatantly objectify one another. This isn't degrading or humiliating because we have a healthy relationship; we have intelligent conversations, enjoy doing things together, laugh together, grow spiritually together, and on and on. And even though you say this routine is for your husband, don't you think it makes you feel better too? It's hard to feel confident and sexy when you haven't even brushed your teeth yet. So, sorry for all of the negative comments. I'm also an LDS woman and I wasn't offended by your post. Long live Dr. Laura (came across this post from the email you sent her) and here's to the long and happy marriage I'm confident you will enjoy!

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    1. Bekky - Yes! I second that long live Dr. Laura! Haha. I grew up listening to her in the car while my mom ran errands around town. She has been a strong voice of common sense in my mind and daily life for many many years now. Oh, and LOVE the shirtless dish-washing suggestion. Already passed it on to my hubby. ;) Hehe.

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  35. I neither know you or am I Mormen, but I like this post. I have been married 19 years and I still try to get ready for my husband. I have 4 daughters ages 18 down to 6. I want to set an example of a loving wife and mother and my husband sets an example of a loving husband and father. I think all you were trying to do was give wives a small way to show affection for their husband. I am not sure why that turned your marriage into an abusive mess. You seen like a very intelligent woman! And I hope you don't have mean people bashing you for everything you say as what I have read is all kind and encouraging!

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    1. Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words, Anonymous!

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  36. Found this on Dr. Laura, LOVED IT! My kiddo was up screaming from 12:30-4 this morning and then refused to nap (fighting a nasty cold and cough) so I was feeling pretty burnt out and was still in my pj's at 5 when my husband called to say he was on his way home. I had just opened this blog and it gave me encouragement on a rough day. I changed into clean clothes, brushed my hair, had my son help throw all his toys in his toys box, threw a frozen pizza in the oven and grabbed a bag of salad from the fridge. My husband (who is working as an intern at the local DA's office and had to be at work at 6:30 this morning after helping me with the baby last night, that's one of the many things he does for me) came home to dinner and a clean wife and kid excited to see him home and it took me 12 minutes (ok, so the pizza took longer in the oven, but pulling it out wasn't so hard). The minute he walked in the door and looked around I saw the stress and exhaustion of his day melt off. He gave me a big hug and kiss and played with the baby while I set the table and we've enjoyed a nice evening in a mostly clean living room. Less stress for all of us and I felt better since I cleaned myself up (anyone who honestly feels better in dirty clothes and smelly has problems).
    Also, I too am a happily married, intelligent LDS woman who is fortunate enough to think enough of my husband to (on most days, he never says anything negative when he comes home to WWIII) clean myself up. If your best girlfriend was coming for a visit would you meet her stinky and gross (unless you were ill of course)? So please, gentle readers, know that the majority of LDS women (at least of those I've met) take pleasure in being clean and treating our husbands as our best friends and our husbands return the affection by being widely known as some of the best family men in the country. We also have a significantly smaller divorce rate, and it's no wonder to me why.
    And finally, the only thing I would add to this list, if you only have 1 minute to do something around the house, make the bed. I swear it makes the whole house feel cleaner (though I hear there are strange people out there who magically make the bed first thing in the morning. I can't function until after 9 so this isn't me :) )

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    1. Anonymous -

      Completely 100% agree on the making the bed suggestion! To go a step above and beyond, you could even make the bed, and slip a little lingirie under the covers for him to discover later! ;) ;) ;) Don't tell the feminist Mormon housewives what I just said! Hehe.

      Your comment is possibly one of my favorites. I'm so sorry to hear about your and your husband's rough night. I've totally been there, and those days are the worst. But, I'm glad to hear my post could inspire a beautiful calm evening, despite the difficult day, for your family. When you go the extra mile, especially when you've had a rough day, the rewards are even sweeter - don't you think? :) Thanks for reading and sharing your story.

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  37. Jami, I discovered your blog when I received my daily email from Dr. Laura. I think this is brilliant. I to am a mormon woman. I am coming up on 12 years of marraige and we are expecting our 6th. I want to put yet another "mormon voice" on here to show that not all of us are so hateful. I completely agree with what you are saying. I often spend the majority of my day in pajamas. Being pregnant with 2 year old twins at home is exhausting, but I can usually hop in the shower when my older ones get home from school, and at least be dressed with some fresh deoderant for my hubby when he gets home from work. He doesn't spend his days off in bed and filthy and stinky, and while I don't neccessarily get "days off" the least I can do is take some pride in my own being. I feel better when I'm fresh and dressed, and it reflects not only in my husbands attitude when he walks in the door, but my children as well. It's really a selfish act on my part I think. While on the surface it looks like I am primping to please my man, really it all comes back to me. When I'm taking time and effort to show that I still love my husband enough to slap on some lipgloss, he takes the time and effort to do things for me as well. Change the diapers before bedtimee, start dinner for me, stop at the grocery store on the way home and pick up my favorite box of cereal, which he tells the kids is mommy's only, don't touch. I think you are spot on, I don't know you, but I think you're awesome!!

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